Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Just Me Blabbing...

Looking around my house trying to picture the next year to two years is starting to scare me. I look around at all my things I've acquired throughout the years. I've been on my own since I was barely 18 and have always felt as if I was in control and independent so to speak.. the first half of the years on my own were horrible and difficult while the last half so far have been absolutely great. As I always say, God has blessed me greatly- more than I deserve. But I think he pushing me in a direction that not only scares me but is basically requiring me to just rely on him and his plan for me. I'm always praying to the Lord asking for his will to be done in my life and for him to show me the direction he wants me to go, but if i'm at all honest, my feet don't move as fast as they probably should after I pray these prayers. It is very hard for me to make major decisions in my life- not that I do not want to but I guess sometimes I get a bit scared with the "not knowing"- probably makes me sound a bit boring with no adventure at all. In my defense.. I have plenty of adventure.. I just like to be smart about it if that makes

 I'll admit, I definitely need to practice "letting go and letting God" more and I really truly think that over the next year he is going to be making me be more like that. I'm nearly 24 years old and sometimes I feel way older. I feel as if i'm set in this life somehow- this comfortable living of work, school, play, repeat. Nothing wrong with that of course but I think the Lord is nudging that it's time for a change. It's time for adventure. It's time to let go and "go with the flow" for once. It's time for new memories, new experiences, new phases. And I think he is right.

As I've stated before in my other posts, i'm a big journal-er  I love to write about my random thoughts even if no one is reading. It helps me think and evaluate my life and myself. It somewhat slows me down to reality and gets my focus in line. As I stair at my book shelf I have several old journals I have written in just over the past 6 years. I dare not open and read them afraid some crazy stuff might fly out of there... I've walked down some heavy roads, dark ones- emotionally. I look back and feel as if i'm in another lifetime sometimes. Like those pages are just a story i'm reading. Like that was never my life before. I never thought or felt those things- those things never happened to me. But they did. They may not be a part of my life now but they are a direct reason of why I am who I am right now. 

For the longest time I felt as if I was going down down down.. then the Lord came in and lifted me up and brought me higher than I could ever imagine. These days - I feel as if i'm just soaring through life trying to get through school which is one of my main focuses right now for myself. I do complain yet in reality I have nothing to complain about. I have a home, nice things, a job, a great big family whom I love, friendships that I know will be everlasting and good health along with many other things. One of my favorite pastors - Matt Chandler once said "If your not coming out of a storm or currently in one, get ready because your heading for one". ((PURE WISDOM!!-love it!)) - Because it is so true isn't it? And right now I'd have to say, i'm past a storm, i'm not currently in one so I know there is one ahead. So how do I- me prepare for this storm? It's not do what I have been doing which is- not reading my bible which is filled with amazing truth and real armor of protection for the mind and heart. No I need to be clinging to the cross, clinging to the word and saturating myself in it's truth so that when this storm arises I will be ready to withstand it- however long it lasts. 

Maybe this storm isn't in the near future and i'll be here soaring for  while longer.. whatever it may be- I need to learn how to trust the Lord and rely on him for direction in my life instead of trying to create a comfortable nest for myself. That is exactly what I believe the Lord is up to. If I wont move voluntarily he's going to make me- because he is in control and he knows best. So I sit here yes very scared of the unknown and how different life is going to look. But like I said before- I'm overly blessed because I have an amazing navigator- Even though I have absolutely no idea where i'm going and what i'll be doing- he does and he will never ever navigate me in the wrong direction- he will never send me somewhere without him being there with me and he will never put me in a place without fully equipping me with the abilities to follow through. I may be weak, but he is strong- I may not have this, but He does. Man oh man am I glad he does.. 

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